This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons... Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea."
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone systems in China? A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!" Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."
What do Mike Tyson and a Metallica concert have in common? At a Metallica concert you get ringing in the ears, and at a Mike Tyson fight, you get ears in the ring!
Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game? There was a face-off in the corner.
Two hunters are out on a long day in the forest, when one of them has to take a dump. "Go in the bushes," says the other hunter. "But what'll I use to wipe with?" "Use a dollar bill. That's what I do." So the other hunter goes into the bushes, and comes back with crap all over his hands. "What happened?" asks his friend. "I didn't have a dollar bill so I used four quarters."
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it." The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
"Doctor! My wife has lost her voice. What can I do to help her get it back!" "Try coming home at 3 in the morning."
What do you get if you breed a pitbull terrier with Lassie? A dog that will chew your arm off but then run for help!